some. thing.

I realized today that I have peace.

I know that, to some people, that might not sound like all that big of a deal, but I've forever had this continual longing for peace in the midst of all my craziness and chaos. I've had moments of it, sure, but I could never seem to hang on tightly enough. My grip would get weaker (and, sadly, my faith would falter right along with it) and, within a couple of days, maybe weeks, that sweet, sweet peace would be gone. 'Why, God?' I'd cry out. 'Didn't you say that it was a gift, that you freely left it for me?' (see John 14) 'Why do I keep losing it? What am I doing wrong?'

Well, I can't say that God necessarily answered all of my questions - but, faithful as He is, that peace always came back to me. Each time, I'd have it for longer and each time, it would be so much stronger than the time before. I started realizing that it had never actually left me; I had that gift of peace all along. It is in Him; no, it IS Him! He has promised to "never leave nor forsake" me. And I believe Him. When I thought I had lost that peace, it was simply sitting on a shelf somewhere, not being used or enjoyed. I had set it aside because there was just too much going on. My circumstances were just too crazy, I was just too busy or just too worried or just too anxious or just too something. As I learned to stop focusing so much on myself, I started learning that grace had already given me everything I could possibly ever need.

I tell you all of this to show you how loving and patient God is, to show you that even though I may not (and did not) get "it" on the first or second or seventeenth try, He never gave up on me. I tell you all of this to show you that, while something such as peace is most surely pleasant and beautiful and sweet, that isn't what this is all about. Peace isn't the point. Neither is love nor joy nor hope nor strength nor purpose. He is the point and, in Him, we find everything else.

And I tell you all of that because, as I said, I realized today that I have peace. And it's funny because, from the outside looking in, my life is anything but peaceful. It's uncertain, kind of a little shaky, definitely up in the air. I have more questions than I know how to ask and more doubts than I care to pay any attention to. But I have peace. I know God is up to something; I can feel it awakening deep within my soul. I know He is taking me into a new place, leading me down a new path, showing me a new vision, purposing in my heart some new plans. I can't do it alone, but He's already shown me He's with me every step of the way.

Please pray with me and for me. Pray that this something that is stirring inside of me is birthed. Pray that, through it all, I continue to hang on to Him, allowing Him to carry me wherever He wants me to go.